Friday, January 9th, 2004
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5:24 pm - Want to know what I hate...
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Well even if you don't, I'm still going to tell you.
I hate stupid people that think that they are so smart and think they are doing something new by doing the same thing everyone else has and just giving it a new name or re-wording it.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Friday, December 26th, 2003
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3:22 pm - Merry Christmas to all
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Had an enjoyable Christmas with my family.
Got a new 22" plasma TV. *dances around with joy* And the usual clothing from relatives. Some beading stuff from friends.
Had a big dinner with all my relatives. We had all of the fixings. Nice big turkey with stuffing and tasty gravy.
The usual stuff happened. Great aunt's giving big kisses on the cheak with bright red lipstick. Everyone bugging me about schooling and what I'm doing with my life. And as always a few of my uncle's getting completely plastered and making the usual ass of themselves.
Anyways, off to watch TV.
current mood:  cheerful
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(comment on this)
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Monday, December 8th, 2003
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8:52 pm
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Been so busy lately. Haven't had a chance to update for awhile.
Just got some new beads from Micheal's. I love the sales that they have on beads all of the time. Been creating some new bracelets and just finished a new necklace.
Anyways, off to watch some TV and create some more stuff.
current mood:  creative
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(comment on this)
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Sunday, November 16th, 2003
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1:42 am - I love sales
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Just picked up some fimo today from michaels. I currently making some nice little beads. I think I'm getting pretty good at this. I already made this cute little black cat on a red circle background. I'd take a picture of it, but sadly my camera is still missing.
I like shopping at Michaels so much. I'm applying for a position at Michaels. Hopefully I'll get it. Has anyone else worked at Michaels? If you have please respond, I'd appreciate tips when I ask for an interview. God I'm so nervous and excited with Christmas coming up.
Well back to my fimo
current mood: artistic
current music: David Bowie - Underground
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Sunday, October 26th, 2003
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2:51 pm
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I love the cold, chilly weather. A gazillion times better than the immense heat we used to experience a month back. So nice to sleep! mahaha.
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(comment on this)
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Tuesday, October 21st, 2003
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4:28 am - Ode to the strike shocking sterility of t.v. static in bathwater
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I love you all, despite you all. I love myself, despite myself. I feel at peace, despite everything. Isn't it funny the way that works.
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(comment on this)
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Sunday, October 19th, 2003
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8:50 am - Dog who has lost its owner...or lonely girlfriend?
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Thursday, October 16th, 2003
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6:41 am - I feel sick to my stomach with emotion
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I'm angry. I'm angry at her for fucking up my childhood and my teenage years, for not standing up to George, and for the way she is treating me now, as though she hates me. I'm living in a house with strangers who hate me for no good reason.
And this is my family. These are supposed to be the people who love me most.
I don't have a family.
I am my family.
current mood:  irritated
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(comment on this)
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Wednesday, October 15th, 2003
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10:35 pm - Waiting for the day I get out of this hellhole
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My brother is the biggest little shit to set foot upon this earth.
He stole from me, again. But this time I caught him. Cigarettes. THe little shit went through my stuff, invaded my privacy to steal a cigarette. I'm furious. He's so manipulative. He freaks out if you accuse him of something, because you'll shut up. But you know he did it. This time, though, there was no avoiding it. I counted them. And he acts so ignorant when I ask about my $200 camera, that I'm willing to bet $200 he stole to sell for drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes.
current mood:  irate
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(comment on this)
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Sunday, October 12th, 2003
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3:41 pm - What. Yes. Oh man. Uh-uh, I think this constitutes as an 'Oh baby'. Totally.
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Muahahahhaha yessssssssssssssssssssss. Oh man. I can't remember the last time I weighed less than 140. !?#$^& gracious me. This is hottt with 2 extra Ts.
current mood:  jubilant
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(comment on this)
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Saturday, October 11th, 2003
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10:16 pm - Bless me father for I have sinned.
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Yeah. I bought a pack of cigarettes. I've been smoking now and then since I got back from Dan's. I'm not addicted. I've only done it like 3 times while I'm home. It calms me and I'm just super stressed out with this whole lifestyle change, coming of age thing.
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(comment on this)
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Wednesday, October 8th, 2003
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2:48 am - Gush
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I [still] feel. This may [still] prove to be a problem. Still is a pretty word. Still. As in immobile, as in currently. Its strange that when I think of immobile I imagine an object frozen in time. Yet this object is also still. It is currently. In other news, I seem to have found my self esteem. It was hiding under a layer of flesh beneath my stomach. I don't know what that means. Don't anaylze it too much. My mind sends me strange images.
I wonder if, from now on, my sadness will be chemically converted to anger.
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(comment on this)
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Monday, October 6th, 2003
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1:54 am - No sleep for the wicked
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Actions. Wanna make you feel like less than macaroni and cheese. Wanna make you cry how I cry, wanna make you sad how I'm sad, wanna make you angry like. You can't sleep at night. Toss. Wanna tear down your self esteem the way you did mine...with ribs and baggies and fishing twine. And oh wanna choke you blue with that phone line. Wanna hear you gasp for breath. Turn. Wanna control you, wanna mold you from statue to clay, wanna use you, make you take it. You take it. Take it. Doesn't it hurt. Wanna hurt you louder than words. Wanna make you feel what I feel.
current mood: angry
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(comment on this)
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Sunday, October 5th, 2003
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11:37 pm - When is this stupid drug supposed to kick in?
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I feel. This may prove to be a problem.
I remember a few years back coming to the realization that the person you love most in the world, despite the fact that you love them most in the world, rarely comes to you when you need him. Originally, I thought my simply needing him was enough to bring him to me. That if I asked he'd come despite the cost. That I was worth it; he'd find a way. You know, that responsibilites could be put aside for a night, just for a night or two, because he was the only person in the world who could soothe me. He had to. I needed him, after all. But no, he never came. He never comes. I still expect it, though. Like an infant waiting for its mother. Every time its still a small shock. For a few seconds of pure emotion, untainted by logic, I feel utterly confused and abandoned. Then I remember.
I don't know what.
It just seems strange that I'm still conditioned to expect it, a steel habit that won't break.
You know, it wouldn't be such an issue if God would let me record moments in time, then play them later. And put them on repeat. And fall asleep with those beautiful, safe, warm, loved feelings.
current mood:  disappointed
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(comment on this)
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Thursday, October 2nd, 2003
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10:09 pm - Clear, crisp, clean.
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Its very upsetting that he told me to call and he wasn't there all day.
Its very upsetting to me that he agreed to call later and he hasn't.
current mood:  lonely
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(comment on this)
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Tuesday, September 30th, 2003
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11:34 pm
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I think about the emotions I felt mid-July and I get scared. That wasn’t me, I think. I seriously believe something is wrong with me.
current mood:  calm
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(comment on this)
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Thursday, September 25th, 2003
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1:16 pm - The big time
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It was glorious. I woke up this morning feeling refreshingly mature and responsible. A whole new adult feeling encompassed my anxious body and overcame my soul the second that hand struck midnight last night.
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(comment on this)
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Tuesday, September 23rd, 2003
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9:05 am - Heh..
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I had a creepy dream about going through this maze. The maze was built out of all sorts of materials, black curtains and cardboard, wood, on an unfinished building that was to have its grand opening the next day. There was a cinema in the the building, a cafeteria, and a Brooks, as well as other businesses. Mary worked in the pharmacy Brooks with a very well-paying job because she knew shorthand. Anyway, this maze was a race and I was one of the first to get through it. I won an award. The man who gave me the award owned and ran the building. He looked at me funny. After it was all over, I couldn't find my mother or brother. And I knew someone was following me. I had to egt away and I ended up going through the maze again until I got to the showeroom where I showered naked unabashedly. I shampooed and everything because the race was like a day and a night long. Anyway I kept running because this female janitor saw me. It ended up that I escaped the men by getting onto the roof. I had to jump down. The only way. Luckily it was winter and there was snow on the ground. It ended up that I chased down the man myself. I found him in a hot tub in a section of the building surrounded by beautiful women in bikinis. With the snap of his hand they all disappeared. Even the men that had been chasing me. It was just me and this man. I asked him what he wanted. He explained that he had set this whole thing up to get me here. I asked him what he wanted again. He explained that he could take aspects of people, as he had done with everything...hence his power, wealth, 6th sense. I asked him what he wanted from me. He wanted my drive, but for some reason he couldn't steal it the way he stole everything else.
Strange. What means this?
Couples counseling: As for advice on relationships, which I have been giving a lot lately, I'd say the main problem is a lack of communication. If there is something wrong, and you're unhappy, go to that person and speak to them about it. Not talking about it will only make the situation worse, the other party will sense something is wrong with that underlying tension between you two. When you do talk, take the other person's emotions into consideration, ask them questions, respond with out getting angry, and if you can't negotiate the problem or find some middle ground, then ask your SO what you think you should do, if breaking up is the answer. Usually breaking up is a result of a problem that isn't fixable. And if you do break up, at least it would ahve been on good terms, having discussed everything and not holding resentment. This means there is the possibility for a friendship after healing has occured.
Don't take advice that isn't neautral. Everyone has their biases. And it just so appens that you are the only one who has experinced situations in the relationship, the intensity of emotions. What others percieve is far different from what you feel. Thus, advice should be leading you into what you want to do, not what other people think is best for you.
current mood:  dirty
current music: I'll wait for you, alone at last. I'll wait for you there.
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(comment on this)
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Thursday, September 18th, 2003
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1:29 pm - Heh..
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Figures that after I'm emotionally healthy my physical welfare starts to deteriorate. Blah. I'm very concerned about this wavering headache I've had for the past month, my tonsils that have been sore for the past two weeks, constant tiredness, and the ear ache I have. I'm worried about MS in my mother and myself, about brain damage, about my sight, all. But at least I'm happy.
current mood:  worried
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(comment on this)
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Monday, September 15th, 2003
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7:51 pm - You have to. God says so
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And God said, let all my children gather upon the beach of Crystal Lake the afternoon of Wednesday, August 13, 2003.
And it was so.
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(comment on this)
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